If That Old Mattress Could Talk…


Our bed with the new mattress

Your humble blogger bought his old mattress and box spring way back from Sears way back in 1992.

And that (rather cheap) mattress has served me well (or well enough) though many years of singledom and then, of course, as a happily married man.

Though gentlemen don’t speak in numbers, I’d have to say that “more than a few” people have slept on that mattress (and even more have “not exactly slept” on that mattress). As I said, that was, of course, before I became a happily married man.

So after all the action that mattress has seen, it really should have been tossed out years ago.

But your Humble Blogger hates, despises, and cannot stand shopping. And shopping for furniture is the worst shopping of all. So I put it off until I had turned the mattress so many times… there was nothing left to turn.

Another problem was that the aluminum supports that went under the box spring had broken long ago. Now, I would love to say that it was due to the incredible sexual acrobatics that occurred on the bed, but it was more likely due to the number of times I dragged the bed across my bedrooms from Hamilton to Toronto trying to find the perfect spot for the bed (although I despise shopping for furniture, moving it  I don’t mind). So with all the dragging of the bed, the aluminum supports broke off and were lying in a pile under the bed.

Not that there hasn’t been some great sexual acrobatics. But I digress.

So before we bought a new mattress, I had to get new supports. I found some heavy duty steel babies and fastened them to the bed frame (which is also over 20 years old but… well it will do).

These things could hold up anything.


Heavy-duty supports.

And once we had the supports in we started looking for a mattress that both your Humble Blogger and The Husband liked. And this was the first time I had ever gone mattress shopping with anyone else.

It’s hard to find something that two people liked.

Can I just mention now how blasé the sales staff is now when two men are out mattress hunting. In fact there was another gay couple buying a mattress the same time we were.

Finally we did find a mattress we both didn’t hate (which seems to be as good as we were going to find). It was a Sterns and Foster something-or-other with a ‘pillow top’.

And it was on sale so that was the one as far as I was concerned.


Sterns and Foster mattress

Though I have to get used to being about three times as high off the floor as I used to be. And don’t even get me started on the price of ‘deep pocket’ sheets. But I have to admit that after sleeping (and other stuff) on our new mattress for almost a week, I have to say that it was about time!

And as the delivery men were carrying out my old mattress I thought to myself, if that old mattress could talk…

It would probably call me a “slut”.

Of course, that was before I became a happily married man.

Jeffrey, The Gay Groom



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11 responses to “If That Old Mattress Could Talk…

  1. Paul

    LOL…if mattresses could talk! Fortunately when my husband-to-be moved in he brought his mattress with him, mine went to the dump, so there’s no danger of it spilling the beans of what went on in my single days…although there wouldn’t be that much to tell 🙂

    Also on the topic of shopping – we went to Birks on Bloor for wedding rings a few weeks ago – and the sales clerk barely hid his contempt for us – he would barely answer a question. Sadly, we didn’t have your experience – so the search continues….unfortunately I think Tiffany’s is a bit out of our league….


    • I would have written a letter to the Birks head office. We bought our rings there and had a great experience – they even cleaned them up again before the wedding (we had bought them about a year before) for free. Must be the sales person.

  2. If my old mattress could talk, it would say, “Get that fat cow off me already!”

  3. When I got to the words “pillow top” my first thought was; ‘oops – you’ll need new sheets’ but then a couple paragraphs later….

    It’s nice that you chose it together. When one is single, a bed is just ‘a place to lay your hat and a few friends’ but when you’re married its another kind of commitment.

  4. I tell my patients to seriously invest in a mattress and change them regularly. Think of it: we spend a third of our lives on a mattress (or if you are a lucky guy, perhaps a bit more!)

  5. Pingback: How to Build a Bed on a Budget

  6. Someone shared this on FB recently. I wish it had been sooner. I am sure this kind of quality market research would have assisted in your purchase decision.

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